Gave Notice

I finally gave my notice at work. Those of you that have followed my blog know the issues that I have been dealing with and the struggles I’ve had with myself. With the new baby coming it gave me the drive to look for better. I kept it completely positive. I just explained that I needed to look for something that would either pay me enough that I could afford my own benefits or offer me benefits. That I had not found anything yet but wanted to let him know so that he could take the opportunity to look for someone else to work full time and that I would like to stay on part time to fill in as to not cut my ties completely with my gentleman.

It was as if we were breaking up. It was the whole it’s not you, it’s me speech. I felt terrible, but I’ve got to do what’s best for me and my family.

He understood and also told me that he didn’t want me to pass up on anything that might come my way just to be able to give him 2 weeks notice. He said that it was thoughtful of me to consider 2 weeks and thanked me. So we are on the hunt for help and I’m on the hunt for a new job…….again.

We Finally Talked …….A Little

I just didn’t know what to think. Hubby has been sending me mixed signals about the prospect of a new baby. One minute he says he moving out to the garage and the next minute he’s helping pick out baby names. In talking with family I came to the conclusion that this was his way of processing all the information. He thinks I only have eyes for the baby and I’m not looking at the big picture.

He said that he is afraid of the consequences for the child as it gets older because it is a bi-racial child and we are bringing it into a family with 2 white parents. He’s afraid of money issues, which we all have. Where are we going to get health insurance? These are all legitimate questions that I myself have thought about and prayed about. My heart tells me this is what I need and have to do.

Most importantly he is afraid for me. This was the main of our conversation this morning. He’s terrified that I’m am going to get so wrapped up in the prospect of baby and if something should happen and mom and dad change their minds that I will be so completely devastated. He doesn’t want that to happen. I explained to him that I have that exact same fear. I have explained to mom to be that if they are not completely serious than I can’t be involved. I have been to the doctors with her and we saw the sonogram. I have a garage full of baby things that she keeps asking when we’re going to bring it in the house. I’m not ready for that step just yet. I will wait until the baby gets closer to being here.

I am just glad that he finally opened up to me. I knew in my heart that’s what the problem was from the beginning. I just needed him to tell me and now we can deal with it.

How Do You Get A Man To Open Up And Talk????????

I can remember when my husband and I first started to date, we would get in the car and drive around and talk for hours about literally nothing. There was many a night we would pull off the side of the high way just to talk. I miss that. Is it that we have just been together so long that we have forgotten how to talk? Trust me it’s not that we have nothing to talk about.

I am going through some emotional stuff that I really need him to talk with me about and I can’t get him to open up without getting angry.

A little back ground………..

I was told at a very young age that I wouldn’t be able to have children and if I did get pregnant I would have difficulties carrying to term. I have 2 great kids that I wouldn’t trade for the world, but had difficult pregnancies with both along with 3 miscarriages. So after last daughter was born I tied my tubes because I couldn’t handle the heartbreak and difficulties carrying another child. Husband had 2 kids but we had always discussed extending our family ie.. adoption or foster care and even after a few years talked about possibly reversing my surgery.

I am surrounded by pregnant women and my hormones are going crazy. One of the girls has decided she doesn’t want to keep the baby and wants us to adopt it. I’m all for it. I’m 34 and hubby will be 39 this year. Our baby is going to be 12 in Sept. Every time I try to discuss it with him we end up fighting.

I understand where he’s coming from. Our kids are old enough to fend for themselves and if we want to take off and go somewhere we can. He’s afraid that age will be a factor as we get older. Meaning he will be almost 60 by the time this child graduates from high school. We can’t really afford a baby but we couldn’t afford the 4 we had at the time and things always worked out.

He did tell me that if it came down to the baby going somewhere else we would. I don’t want him to feel quilted into it. All I want is to have more than a 5 second discussion that ends in a fight. He stated the other day that he thought I was just joking every time we brought it up.

How can I get him to open up to me about this? I wrote him a long letter the other night and I’m hoping we will have a chance to discuss it since we no longer have house guest. The baby’s not due until New Years so we have some time.

All Is Quiet Again….At least for a while

Everyone has gone home for now. We have had a house full of people since July 2nd. I was sad but relieved to seem them all go, but Ahhhhhhhhh the quiet. I am sitting in my recliner with my feet propped up on my lap top. It is so nice I haven’t been able to do this for a while.

It will be short lived though. My sister in law will be back in like 3 weeks with her kids. She will be staying here so that she can attend school while waiting for her husbands release from the Army in April.

Smooth 4th of July

Everything went rather smoothly on the 4th. It really could have been alot worse. All I know is I have no desire to bake another cake any time soon.

I started Thursday night trying to get the cake ready for the baby shower. The first attempt fell apart so with the pregnant momma looking at me with very sad eyes saying”it looks so good can I just eat it” and she did. It was gone in a matter of minutes. So I attempted the second cake on Friday and again it fell apart and again it was devoured in minutes.

The 3rd and final attempt of her bear cake was on Saturday morning along with a double batch cake in a 24×18 pan finished just in time for the baby shower fully decorated. Time for cake and momma didn’t want any. I sorta snapped at that point and said “i just spent 8 hours baking and decorating your cake you are going to eat some” ( but said not quite so nice).

All in all it went well. I could have been alot worse. The up side is she didn’t want to eat the bear cake it was to pretty. It is still in my freezer. As soon as I can find what hubby did with the picks I will post a few from the family and baby shower.

4th of July Madness

Happy 4th of July to everyone.

We are once again hosting the family. All of my husbands family will be here. They will start to arrive this evening with everyone arriving by Friday. Big 4th of July picnic followed by fireworks. Then large baby shower for husbands niece on Saturday.

I will start all my prep work tonight and continue through the weekend.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday.

Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow is my 9th wedding anniversary. My how the time flies. We are hopping on the motorcycle and hitting the open  road for the weekend. I will get my yearly dinner at the Outback. We will have our bloomin Onion and salad and bring our dinner home in a box. We do every year.

My hubby never reads this but I just wanted to say Honey I love you, glad we made it this far and here’s to another 9.

Childless This Week

Once the bonus child goes home today we will be childless for a week, so to speak. I will have my gentleman Monday and Tuesday but after that ALONE.

I’m not gonna know how to act or what to do. I’ll enjoy the quiet and get some reading done. My gentleman and I read a book a week that we get from the library. When we go I get 2 books. 1 I read to him and 1 I read myself. It get confusing some times reading 2 books at the same time.

I will also be able to get some house cleaning done. I really need to shampoo my carpets. Especially after dumping an entire bowl of spaghetti with sauce on it last night. The bowl just shot out from under me and down my legs and onto the carpet.

Growing Up

Well my baby is not a baby anymore. She is now equip with here workers permit and has a summer job at McDonald’s. She is with her dad for the first part of the summer and working with him.

I am hoping he will use this as a learning tool and take her to open up a bank account so that she can save some of her money and not let her spend it all on nothing.

I have also told them to check with the McD’s here so if she wanted to continue to work when she came home she could. I would make sure she got there and home.

The bonus daughter is jealous and now wants a job too! I told her what she needed to do.

She doesn’t believe me but I am very proud of Cherokee. I just feel like she is growing up way too fast.

Happy Father’s Day

I was confronted by my husband on Saturday stating that his friends at work didn’t think it was fair because we always make such a big deal on Mothers Day with a big cookout picnic and we invite everyone that we know to come out and spend the day. It’s always a great time. That started last year when my mom lived with us and she wanted to do something nice and fun. We’ve done it the last 2 years but never do anything on Fathers Day.

So with less than 24 hours notice I put together a simple cookout / picnic. His family was here. Brothers and sister with their families. His mom and dad.

I had to keep myself busy because every time I looked at his dad I would start to tear up. It was a very difficult day for me but I had alot of fun with everyone. It makes me wonder if I subconsciously was avoiding a big Fathers Day deal because of the fact that dad wasn’t here anymore. But when dad was alive and he and Don (my father in law ) would get together we would tease them because they looked so much alike. It has been difficult when ever Don is around because he reminds us of dad and mom always ends up crying.

Anyway, I have a few weeks to recover because we are doing it all over again 4th of July weekend. Plus a baby shower to boot for hubby’s niece.

Dear Dad,

I know that where you are you are finally at peace. We miss you more and more every day. I can’t believe you have been gone 2 years already. You wouldn’t believe how beautiful the girls are. Of course they were beautiful when you were here but they are becoming beautiful young women. Cherokee is going to be working this summer, can you believe it?

We had a wonderful day in your honor. You were here in our hearts today and forever. We love and miss you dearly.

Love Always,